sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
