Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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