my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
