If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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