All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
