my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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