Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
3pm strippers are depressing
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
