there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
