He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
