the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
