your parents love me but you hate me
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Boobs are out for the taking
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
