You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
