And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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