how do flat chested girls get laid?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
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