i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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