dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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