we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
