When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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