I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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