she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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