Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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