Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
