mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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