Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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