How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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