At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
