You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's shark week go big or go home
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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