It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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