Kiss
Puke
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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