I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
