What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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