How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
