Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
