Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My ass is underappreciated
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize