just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize