i came on her dog
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
