Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
