my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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