i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
