what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
