false alarm. still invincible.
i love accidental penises.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
