how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
