yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize