My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
