So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
