and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
