just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
