i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
