I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize