i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
