Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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