im drinking this country out of the recession.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
