I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
