I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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