my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
