I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
