remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize