im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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