the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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