Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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