Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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