My nipple is on Facebook.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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