Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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