Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
