i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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